Voodoo Dick

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. (For joke purposes, let's ignore what he might do while on his trip :-) ) So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick.She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
(c/o 2 fast 4 u)

Conscripted Into The Army

A guy gets conscripted into the army, so he heads along to the barracks and the sergeant sends him off to get his kit. He arrives, gets given fatigues, and a pack and stuff, and lines up for a gun. When he gets to the front, the guy tells him "sorry, we've run out of guns, but here take this stick and when someone comes toward you just point it and shout "BANG" and you'll be right" So then the guy lines up for grenades, and again they've run out, but the sergeant hands him some rocks and says "when you need to, throw one of these and shout "Grenade!" and then "Kaboom", no problem".

So this poor guy goes off to war. He's stuck in a trench, sees the enemy running toward him points his stick and yells "BANG BANG BANG"... 3 guys fall down dead. He thinks this is pretty cool and keeps going. Then a guy comes walking towards him. He points his stick and yells "BANG"... nothing happens, he lobs his rocks straight at the guy and goes "Grenade!" then "Kaboom!".... nothing happens, the enemy is still walking calmly towards him, getting closer..... the guy starts panicking, he's going "BANG" and "Kaboom!" what's the problem???? Finally the enemy gets right up next to him, and he can hear the guy saying "tank tank tank tank"
Mine! *hehe*

The Shipwrecked Man

A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. There was nothing for him to do except play with himself.... After many years even that became boring - so he stopped. Meanwhile he was always prepared for the day when he would be saved. One morning he saw a ship turn into the cove so he quickly ran to the woodpile and started up a fire, and threw wet seaweed on top. The smoke billowed high in the air..... All of a sudden the ship starts to come his way. He gets all excited and thinks "I'm finally saved...... The first thing I want is to take a hot shower - then they are going to give me some clothes and I am going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will then find a nice lady to dance with, whom I shall take to her cabin, where we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She will start to take off her clothes and she will be wearing red satin panties, and I will rub them..... With this he starts to get an erection; he slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker and yells, "Ha, Ha, Ha - I LIED ABOUT THE SHIP".
(c/o DODGY)

A Nun Joke

Three nuns die, and go to heaven. In front of heavens door Saint Peter tells them that they have to answer one question before being allowed to walk in. And he asks the first nun: "How were the first people who lived on earth called?" The nun answers: "That was Adam and Eve".That was right. So the bells ring, heaven door opens and she walks in. Peter asks the second nun: "What was the name of the place where these people lived?" The nun smiles and says "Oh, that was the Garden of Eden!" So the bells ring, heaven door opens and she walks in. Finally S.Peter asks the last nun: "Which were the first words Eve spoke to Adam?" The nun scratches her face, looks a bit worried and says "Oh, that's a hard one!" So the bells ring, heaven door opens and she walks in.
(c/o DODGY)

The Amazing Bull

A bunch of bulls and cows were standing in a field just hanging out when a big wind came blowing by...all of the cows were knocked down, but the bulls just stood there....the cows looked around, got up and just went back to chewing there cud,,,after a while another wind came blowing through..once again all of the cows were knocked over but the bulls just stood there....the cows got up again, dusted off and went back to doin what cows do....after a few minutes a tornado came whipping down through the field....and once again all of the cows were knocked down...and the bulls just stood there...this time Bessie, the head cow, couldn't take it any more...she got up and went over to Rupert, the head bull, and asked him "moo, hey whats the deal? why don't you bulls get knocked over when the wind blows?" Rupert looking up from his meal of hay said "Don't you know? we bulls wobble but we don't fall down".

The Drugstore Computer

A man complained to his friends "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00." The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on wich was printed:

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard, get a water softener.
Your dog has worms, give him vitamins.
Your daughter's on drugs, put her in rehab.
Your wife's pregnant, it ain't yours---get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Custer's Last Stand

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall. He called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect it to be completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the new mural. To his surprise, what he found was a painting of a cow with a halo, surrounded by hundreds of Indians in various stages and positions of making love. Furious, he called the artist in.

"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why, that's exactly what you asked for." said the artist smugly.
"No. I didn't ask for pornographic filth! What I asked for was your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind!"
"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it 'Holy Cow! Look at all those Fucking Indians!'"
(c/o Kaz)

The Boss

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss. The brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be boss." The feet said, "Since I carry the body around to where it wants to go, and get into position to do what the brain wants, I should be boss." The hands said, "Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you young, I should be boss."

And so it went with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes. And finally the asshole spoke up and demanded that it be made boss. All the other parts just laughed at the idea of an asshole being boss.

The asshole was so angered that it blocked itself off and refused to function. Soon the brain was feverish; the eyes crossed and ached; the feet were too weak to walk; the hands hung limp at the sides; the heart and lungs struggled to keep going.

All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be boss. And so it happened. All the other parts did all the work, and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of shit.

THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be boss, just an asshole.

The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Tattoo

A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now".

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis.So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tatoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.The man consents and offers these three reasons:

"First, I like to play with my money.
Second, I like to watch my money grow.
And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it."

Whale Joke

The female says, "Oh, I don't know..."

"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!"

The female agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue. As they are swimming away, the male says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

To which the female, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."

TO BASE CAMP...